literature

Judge Not - Chapter 1

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The sky grew dark, gestating a winter monster nourished by a cold northerly gale. The first stinging flakes, tiny needles of ice driven almost horizontally by the bitter blasts, whisked across the cracked asphalt and clung to the clumps of parched dead grass that lined the lonely road. The clouds, pregnant and writhing, bulged downward and in a great final heave gave birth to a howling whiteout.

Far below, a tiny convoy struggled north against the wind, racing the growth of the snow banks that soon would strand it. In the lead, a decades-old green Lincoln Continental ploughed stoically onward, its windscreen wipers battling furiously against the snow. It was followed by an articulated lorry, its trailer marked "Anderson and Sons Logistics: Texas' Best Movers!"

Together, the two plodded on up the road toward the dearly-desired terminus of their interminable journey, the end of a seventeen hour drive.

A stile loomed up suddenly in the road, forcing the saloon to brake hard, then swerve to avoid being butted by the lorry. A hard squint through the swirling white revealed a frozen pond to the left, and so the Continental turned right, exchanging the frozen asphalt for a vast expanse of loose gravel, pocked with slush-filled craters but at least free of the treachery of black ice. The car lurched and bumped, swaying from side to side along the pitted path, more cattle trail than road by now, until it came to another stretch of tarmac beyond which rose the first few buildings, snow-encrusted outliers of the hidden town beyond:

CITY LIMIT
CARON CITY
Pop. 2,315

Beneath the city limit sign was another, hand-made of plywood and peeling around the edges, that cheerfully proclaimed a welcome from the local chapter of the Future Farmers of America.

The convoy turned and turned again, circling the sad yellow brick courthouse that squatted toad-like in the centre block of the quaint little town square, guarded by a platoon of bare, skeletal oak trees and a small copse of squad cars, huddled together against the cold in the tiny car park.

They passed Phelps' Grocer, which stands beside Phelps' Deli, which stands beside Phelps' Electronics. They passed Einstein's Salon, which had been named after its first owner a good ten years before the mussed mathematician became famous, its windows darkened but its sign highly visible, sporting a caricature of the mussed mathematician in hair curlers. They passed Barrett's Consignment and the Magpie's Nest, an antiques and curiosity shop that boasted the entire Beanie Babies collection in the front window, arranged artistically on a broken rocking chair, a scuffed-up armoire, and a rusted Radio Flyer wagon.

Of all the buildings on the square, only Miz Leanne's Ribs 'n' Burgers was open, a neon-lit bastion of humanity in the midst of nature's onslaught. The Continental and lorry continued on past, turning from Dooley onto Van Winkle, unnoticed by Miz Leanne's shivering patrons. The two vehicles proceeded past the high school, the elementary and the junior high, and into the residential area. They ploughed down Macgregor and turned onto Cypress, then onto Mulberry and down to the cul-de-sac. The juggernaut stopped on the street, the scream of its brake lost in the wind's deafening fury, and the Continental rolled on up the driveway and into the garage of the empty bungalow at the end.

Two men, heavily muffled in scarves and wool hats, got out of the lorry and began unloading through the snow. First out was an upright piano wrapped in plastic, then a bookcase, then a big wooden desk in pieces. Four hours later, they packed up and disappeared back into the storm. Within twenty minutes, there was no trace of their tracks.

Mrs. Montcrief pulled her head back from the window and called Mrs. Simmons, who in turn called Ms. Greer, Mrs. Lyle, and Mrs. O'Toole. By eight o'clock that night, half of Caron City knew that there was a stranger in town. By eight o'clock the next night, rumour had transformed the new person into a whole spectrum of characters, from an evangelical preacher to a professional photographer, but by the end of the week, when the stranger had failed to appear even once, the stories began to die.
I seem to be skipping the whole finishing-the-first-draught stage and heading straight into revision.

Not really, of course, but it occurred to me that I had written the first chapter six years ago and hadn't altered it once, and rereading it actually managed to brass me off more than a bit, so here it is, prettier.

Chapter 2: [link]

And the book-blurb:
In the twilight of the year 2003, a stranger arrives in the tiny town of Caron, Colorado. Whispers begin to fly as bodies appear, savagely mutilated, throughout the neighbourhood, and the responsibility falls on three misfit high school students to uncover the truth and drive the blight from their hometown. They soon discover that being murdered is the least of their worries...

Should go without saying, of course, but this work is (c) MR Graham.
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Catluckey's avatar
:iconflowersplz:I love the way you bring inanimate objects or nature to life with living organism verbs/phrases. I'm trying to acquire that kind of skill. Below are suggestions:

(Word or punctuation within parenthesis is replacement)

Break up this sentence for us (readers) to keep imagery going: The first stinging flakes, tiny needles of ice driven(blew) almost horizontally by the bitter blasts,(. They whisked) whisked across the cracked asphalt and clung to the clumps of parched dead grass that lined the lonely road.

A good rule for keeping sentences at readable ease is to go to 25 -30 words maximum. Some of your sentences nearly reach 50 words.

I've been bumped over the head many times about this type of beginning (secretly, I love what you did). Either have a person that's in the story narrating or write the scene from someone's point of view, preferably the main character. I did this type of scenic exposition, which got shot down by the pros in a writing workshop.

circling the sad yellow brick courthouse that squatted toad-like in the centre block of the quaint little town square... This paragraph sounds so mid-West like Omaha, Nebraska or even Illinois...very rural. Great descriptions!

Though from the US, I had to look up these words so I wouldn't miss anything. We use different words for imagery... familiar words. Lots of these aren't used that way here. Some are British terminology.

Definitions:

Stile: a step, or set of steps, for climbing over a wall or fence.
Saloon: 4. Chiefly British A sedan automobile.
Terminus: 1. The final point; the end.
Interminable: 1. Being or seeming to be without an end; endless.
Lorry: Chiefly British A motor truck.
Copse: A thicket of small trees or shrubs; a coppice
Bastion: 1. A projecting part of a fortification. 2. A well-fortified position.

Since you gave such a detailed description of this location without naming it, I looked up this: Albert Einstein was born in Ulm, in the Kingdom of Württemberg in the German Empire on 14 March 1879.

So the convoy (moving company) was traveling to Ulm, Germany (that's what I'm thinking). And, yes, there is snow, snow, snow and beautiful snow-capped mountains, deep valleys with small church-bell ringing villages. I had actually lived in Germany for 6 years as a child (from about 6-12yrs old—army brat)! :love:

SUGGESTION: To get the story started you can have the movers fuss about this client while traveling. And your scenic snow adventure can be experienced through the eyes of one of the movers. But the “stranger” must be a main discussion topic between the movers. (This is only a suggestion.) Hope I gave a little inspiration. You can even give a little German accent/words and the other mover can be a burly British man. This might be too much of a change.... I don't mean to force myself on you, but it's just a thought I'm sharing.

You have a rich vocabulary. If I have to, I will look up every single word to enjoy the richness of what you share. Thank you, talented writer! :blowkiss: