literature

Falling Roses

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QuiEstInLiteris's avatar
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Literature Text

The bloodred rosebud quivered slightly, serrated leaves swaying as the stem was severed. Jonii grasped the silver-thorned stem gingerly between the thumb and forefinger of his gloved left hand and raised the blossom to his face, breathing deeply of the sweet perfume. His tilted green eyes searched the bloom for blemishes, and, finding none, he knelt to lay it gently in the white wicker basket on the grass beside him, atop six more perfect roses. The half-smile that forever quirked his full lips broadened slightly as he spotted another likely candidate for his basket, white this time, with a salmon-pink tip on each delicate petal. His small shears closed around the stem and snapped through, breaking it neatly. These would adorn his plain wooden table later, when Kaara came to visit. Lenka had said Kaara liked roses.

The air was sweet and fragrant in the garden, scented with apple blossom and gardenia wafting on the faint breeze through the leafy shade that stirred his ravenwing black hair, blowing his bangs back from his forehead. For the moment, Jonii could forget the curved sword at his belt, the ray-gun beneath his tunic, the daggers concealed in his tall, brown leather boots, the throwing knives up both loose creamy cotton sleeves, strapped to his olive-skinned forearms. He could forget the dirk lying on his kitchen table, as handy for eating as for killing, and the 's'-bladed fighting knife under his pillow. The only blades on his mind were on the gardening scissors in his hand.

A native bird, the brilliant green jiik'sho, trilled high and clear from the upper branches of the apple tree, and a golden-plumed sunbird warbled a good-natured answer atop a white-flowering hedge. A four-tiered fountain bubbled and gurgled at the centre of the round walled garden, four white sand paths leading away, dividing the courtyard in quarters. A single wooden door, dark with age, adorned with fanciful swirling ironwork, stood at the end of one of the paths, directly behind where Jonii knelt with the roses. It stood slightly ajar now, revealing a narrow vertical strip of a deceptively primitive-looking thatched cottage.

The door's well-oiled hinges made no sound as it opened wider. Soft leather boots, trimmed with fur, made no sound on the white sand path. All the warning Jonii had was the leathery whisper of a sword being drawn. A dagger was in each hand before he had time to think, ready for battle, but the attacker's blade was already pressed against his throat.
Just a wee thing. I might file it away for later use.
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Zingaresa's avatar
O noez! JONII LOOK OUT. DON'T DIE I BECAME ATTACHED TO YOU IN THE SPACE OF FOUR PARAGRAPHS. :sniff: :sniff: :sniff:

*cough* Okay. I'm sensible now. (Not really, but we can pretend. Right? RIGHT?)

I liked this. It does read very much as though it's part of a larger piece, so I hope you do stick it into something else later if you get the chance to. I also love how the description of his weapons went pretty much, "Sword... sword... sword... sword... RAY GUN. sword... sword... sword..." Made me giggle. :) Normally that sort of thing would seem out of place and jarring to me, but for whatever reason it worked fine here. Seemed whimsical, almost.

There were points in the first paragraph (and the second to a lesser degree) that seemed a little overdone. I think you could do with snipping out a few of those adjectives and adverbs. For instance, you use the word "slightly" three times in the piece, and twice in the first paragraph, and I might take out the "bloodred" and the "serrated" in that first sentence. Most readers will assume the rose is red unless you specify otherwise, and I don't think the information conveyed in the "serrated" is important enough to warrant slowing down the pace, if that makes any sense.

I really enjoyed the piece, though! I'm terribly curious about what will happen next to poor Jonii, whose life as a ray-gun-toting super-gardener elf-like-thing may soon be cut short. Alack, and alas. I shall miss you, Jonii!